Abnormality

We are only as abnormal as someone's ego told them they were normal, and they, for whatever reason, were more powerful than you in defending their normalness. Maybe all normals are actually abnormals with unhealthy egos?

the art of commitment and fucking

wow. its really crazy how nerve wracking being honest can be. ive been thinking a lot lately about sex, sexuality, monogamy, sexual fear, sexual pleasure, marriage, etc...and how i feel about all of it. i think ive recently had an epiphany.

i have never really allowed myself to truly enjoy and engage in sex. have i had sex? of course. have i had amazing sex? of course. have i had emotional sex? of course. the challenge then is that sex, for me, as with most people, cannot be defined into any one specific category.

as any teen, i thought a lot about the physicality of sex, however because of my conservative roots, i did not often allow myself to think of sex outside of marriage or the church's boundaries. when i would allow myself, it was with a sense of shame and guilt. i believe this kept me from the natural, normal activities that are supposed to happen when one starts to try to understand themselves within the context of sexuality.

and now as an adult male, i still struggle with sexuality in the sense of not understanding myself very much. i still have guilt. i still dont feel comfortable letting myself go to the far reaches of my intellect when sex is my topic, and for sure do not let many people inside the rooms of my brain. i hardly even let myself go there! this, essentially is the problem. why do i not feel comfortable exploring these things?

fuck.

Winning feels like shit

Its quite dark outside. There is a major fog sitting on top of all that is. Im feeling a bit like it has fallen on me too. I have surgery today. I am hopeful. excited to be on my path to recovery. My heart and my head are in this odd state of tension, not considering the surgery, but Madcap. Yesterday we agreed on settlement terms. Almost 1 year ago is when I quit. Since then, I have looked to this moment of "winning". The thought of winning carried with it a hope of excitement. A hope that I would finally feel respected. A hope that justice has been served. A hope of an apology. A hope of moving on. But it does not feel anything like hope or winning. Yes, I am thankful to be done with all of this, but what have I really won? What is the money good for when Ive lost much more than Ive gained?

Knocked me off of my feet
But I think it's time for me to start walking again,
Stop running away from things.
Next time you see me,
I will be singing a new song/
I am learning to shine on.

Shine on, shine on,
There'll be time enough for darkness when everything's gone.
Shine on, shine on,
There is work to be done in the dark before dawn.

It's been hard not to give in,
And it ain't easy living in hard times.
I know it's weighing on your mind.
Next time you see me,
I'll be uplifting, yes I will give you hope!
I am learning as I go to shine on.

Shine on, shine on.
There'll be time enough for darkness before everything's gone.
Shine on, shine on,
There is work to be done in the dark before dawn.

I know how dark it seems,
Feel it coming up inside of me,
And I feel it in you too, in everything you do.
Next time you see me,
We'll both be laughing, oh just to be alive!
We are learning to shine, shine on.

Shine on, shine on.
There'll be time enough for darkness when everything's gone
Shine on, shine on.
There is work to be done in the dark before dawn.

There is work to be done,
So you you've got to shine on. 

Daisy May

the appeal of death

In the end, when all is finished, don't we all desire to be passionate enough about something that we are willing to die for that something? It is the appeal of Jesus.