Abnormality

We are only as abnormal as someone's ego told them they were normal, and they, for whatever reason, were more powerful than you in defending their normalness. Maybe all normals are actually abnormals with unhealthy egos?

the art of commitment and fucking

wow. its really crazy how nerve wracking being honest can be. ive been thinking a lot lately about sex, sexuality, monogamy, sexual fear, sexual pleasure, marriage, etc...and how i feel about all of it. i think ive recently had an epiphany.

i have never really allowed myself to truly enjoy and engage in sex. have i had sex? of course. have i had amazing sex? of course. have i had emotional sex? of course. the challenge then is that sex, for me, as with most people, cannot be defined into any one specific category.

as any teen, i thought a lot about the physicality of sex, however because of my conservative roots, i did not often allow myself to think of sex outside of marriage or the church's boundaries. when i would allow myself, it was with a sense of shame and guilt. i believe this kept me from the natural, normal activities that are supposed to happen when one starts to try to understand themselves within the context of sexuality.

and now as an adult male, i still struggle with sexuality in the sense of not understanding myself very much. i still have guilt. i still dont feel comfortable letting myself go to the far reaches of my intellect when sex is my topic, and for sure do not let many people inside the rooms of my brain. i hardly even let myself go there! this, essentially is the problem. why do i not feel comfortable exploring these things?

fuck.

Winning feels like shit

Its quite dark outside. There is a major fog sitting on top of all that is. Im feeling a bit like it has fallen on me too. I have surgery today. I am hopeful. excited to be on my path to recovery. My heart and my head are in this odd state of tension, not considering the surgery, but Madcap. Yesterday we agreed on settlement terms. Almost 1 year ago is when I quit. Since then, I have looked to this moment of "winning". The thought of winning carried with it a hope of excitement. A hope that I would finally feel respected. A hope that justice has been served. A hope of an apology. A hope of moving on. But it does not feel anything like hope or winning. Yes, I am thankful to be done with all of this, but what have I really won? What is the money good for when Ive lost much more than Ive gained?

Knocked me off of my feet
But I think it's time for me to start walking again,
Stop running away from things.
Next time you see me,
I will be singing a new song/
I am learning to shine on.

Shine on, shine on,
There'll be time enough for darkness when everything's gone.
Shine on, shine on,
There is work to be done in the dark before dawn.

It's been hard not to give in,
And it ain't easy living in hard times.
I know it's weighing on your mind.
Next time you see me,
I'll be uplifting, yes I will give you hope!
I am learning as I go to shine on.

Shine on, shine on.
There'll be time enough for darkness before everything's gone.
Shine on, shine on,
There is work to be done in the dark before dawn.

I know how dark it seems,
Feel it coming up inside of me,
And I feel it in you too, in everything you do.
Next time you see me,
We'll both be laughing, oh just to be alive!
We are learning to shine, shine on.

Shine on, shine on.
There'll be time enough for darkness when everything's gone
Shine on, shine on.
There is work to be done in the dark before dawn.

There is work to be done,
So you you've got to shine on. 

Daisy May

the appeal of death

In the end, when all is finished, don't we all desire to be passionate enough about something that we are willing to die for that something? It is the appeal of Jesus.

i am that guy. i am bud elve.

i grew up in a fairly strict, religiously conservative home. at the time, i didnt perceive it was an overbearing situation. probably because i was a kid, and i looked to my parents for teaching and telling me everything i was supposed to know that would help me be a good, productive adult. and its true, they gave me alot of that. some of it was through words, some through actions, and some through both...one thing i now notice as an adult is how i developed my perception of others.


the elve family were friends of my family growing up. they ate at our house from time to time, had kids our age, and attended our church....but typically only on easter and christmas. bud elve was the dad. he seemed like a good man. he loved sports, interacted well with others, and treated us with kindness and respect. i remember the adults laughing alot when we were all together. its very interesting to me then, that somehow i believed the elve family to be something less than my family. we were better than them. we were more godly. why, as a child, did i perceive this? i dont recall my parents ever saying "we are better than them". or did they? maybe not in their words, but definitely in conversations about people similar to the elves. i remember my parents saying things like, "oh, you know that family. they only show up to church on holidays." or, "the morton family does not smoke or drink beer, cause we are christians." and i do remember my parents once commenting that mr elve did, in fact, drink beer...so, as a kid, it was a natural connection of dots to think that people who drink beer are not christians, and therefore are going to hell. and as kids, it was not ok for us to be around non-christians that often, especially adult non-christians who might have a beer or a cigarette around our influential minds. regardless, i distinctly remember thinking the elve's, while nice people, were ones to keep at a distance, because they were going to hell. if not all of them, absolutely bud, because he drank beer.

i have no doubt in my head mr elve sensed some type of condemnation by my family...if not by us, for sure from others within our church. he probably felt like every eye was on him when the pastor would ask the congregation whether they had given their whole heart to the lord, or whether anyone needed to accept jesus as their savior. if i had to guess, i think he probably felt awkward every time he was invited to the mens group, or asked to play on the church basketball team. i suspect he knew it wasnt all for his conversation skills, his questions about the church or god, or his scoring ability that he was asked to play. i bet he felt it was his soul, and not his shots that were being sought after.

as i think about what it must have been like for him, i realize that i am bud elve.

Pleasure Seeker

i believe this world, however and for whomever, was created for the delight of the creatures. we are here to experience joy, beauty, truth, pleasure. however, we have lost our ability to experience these things in all that is around us. we do, from time to time, and when we do, we tend to go back to these activities, even when they have possible unhealthy consequences in the long term. its not that we cannot see the negative outcomes, its that these experiences are weighed in our minds, in an instant, and we choose to engage in whatever it is that has given us these moments.

so, is it possible, if we were all to be completely healthy (emotionally, spiritually, and physically) and all things in the conscious and unconscious were whole, that we are here to seek out pleasure in all its forms, without any negative outcomes?

questioning myself

ive spent most of this morning going through past conversations in my head and old emails, trying to establish whether i believe in myself, or whether my ego is acting independently of my own knowledge.

have i been valuable? have i been honest? have i been respectful? am i truly in the right? am i selfish? am i worthy? am i an asshole?

maybe this is an exercise of becoming more enlightened. questioning the questions i ask myself. for me to be truly aware, dont i continually have to ask myself these questions? if i stop asking, will i be stagnant? will i not find growth? will i start to believe that these questions define me, or that these self doubts have power?

i hope to one day be able to acknowledge: i am valuable. i am honest. i am respectful. i am right. i am unselfish. i am worthy. i am not an asshole.