wow. its really crazy how nerve wracking being honest can be. ive been thinking a lot lately about sex, sexuality, monogamy, sexual fear, sexual pleasure, marriage, etc...and how i feel about all of it. i think ive recently had an epiphany.
i have never really allowed myself to truly enjoy and engage in sex. have i had sex? of course. have i had amazing sex? of course. have i had emotional sex? of course. the challenge then is that sex, for me, as with most people, cannot be defined into any one specific category.
as any teen, i thought a lot about the physicality of sex, however because of my conservative roots, i did not often allow myself to think of sex outside of marriage or the church's boundaries. when i would allow myself, it was with a sense of shame and guilt. i believe this kept me from the natural, normal activities that are supposed to happen when one starts to try to understand themselves within the context of sexuality.
and now as an adult male, i still struggle with sexuality in the sense of not understanding myself very much. i still have guilt. i still dont feel comfortable letting myself go to the far reaches of my intellect when sex is my topic, and for sure do not let many people inside the rooms of my brain. i hardly even let myself go there! this, essentially is the problem. why do i not feel comfortable exploring these things?
fuck.
No comments:
Post a Comment