i am that guy. i am bud elve.

i grew up in a fairly strict, religiously conservative home. at the time, i didnt perceive it was an overbearing situation. probably because i was a kid, and i looked to my parents for teaching and telling me everything i was supposed to know that would help me be a good, productive adult. and its true, they gave me alot of that. some of it was through words, some through actions, and some through both...one thing i now notice as an adult is how i developed my perception of others.


the elve family were friends of my family growing up. they ate at our house from time to time, had kids our age, and attended our church....but typically only on easter and christmas. bud elve was the dad. he seemed like a good man. he loved sports, interacted well with others, and treated us with kindness and respect. i remember the adults laughing alot when we were all together. its very interesting to me then, that somehow i believed the elve family to be something less than my family. we were better than them. we were more godly. why, as a child, did i perceive this? i dont recall my parents ever saying "we are better than them". or did they? maybe not in their words, but definitely in conversations about people similar to the elves. i remember my parents saying things like, "oh, you know that family. they only show up to church on holidays." or, "the morton family does not smoke or drink beer, cause we are christians." and i do remember my parents once commenting that mr elve did, in fact, drink beer...so, as a kid, it was a natural connection of dots to think that people who drink beer are not christians, and therefore are going to hell. and as kids, it was not ok for us to be around non-christians that often, especially adult non-christians who might have a beer or a cigarette around our influential minds. regardless, i distinctly remember thinking the elve's, while nice people, were ones to keep at a distance, because they were going to hell. if not all of them, absolutely bud, because he drank beer.

i have no doubt in my head mr elve sensed some type of condemnation by my family...if not by us, for sure from others within our church. he probably felt like every eye was on him when the pastor would ask the congregation whether they had given their whole heart to the lord, or whether anyone needed to accept jesus as their savior. if i had to guess, i think he probably felt awkward every time he was invited to the mens group, or asked to play on the church basketball team. i suspect he knew it wasnt all for his conversation skills, his questions about the church or god, or his scoring ability that he was asked to play. i bet he felt it was his soul, and not his shots that were being sought after.

as i think about what it must have been like for him, i realize that i am bud elve.

Pleasure Seeker

i believe this world, however and for whomever, was created for the delight of the creatures. we are here to experience joy, beauty, truth, pleasure. however, we have lost our ability to experience these things in all that is around us. we do, from time to time, and when we do, we tend to go back to these activities, even when they have possible unhealthy consequences in the long term. its not that we cannot see the negative outcomes, its that these experiences are weighed in our minds, in an instant, and we choose to engage in whatever it is that has given us these moments.

so, is it possible, if we were all to be completely healthy (emotionally, spiritually, and physically) and all things in the conscious and unconscious were whole, that we are here to seek out pleasure in all its forms, without any negative outcomes?

questioning myself

ive spent most of this morning going through past conversations in my head and old emails, trying to establish whether i believe in myself, or whether my ego is acting independently of my own knowledge.

have i been valuable? have i been honest? have i been respectful? am i truly in the right? am i selfish? am i worthy? am i an asshole?

maybe this is an exercise of becoming more enlightened. questioning the questions i ask myself. for me to be truly aware, dont i continually have to ask myself these questions? if i stop asking, will i be stagnant? will i not find growth? will i start to believe that these questions define me, or that these self doubts have power?

i hope to one day be able to acknowledge: i am valuable. i am honest. i am respectful. i am right. i am unselfish. i am worthy. i am not an asshole.

i dont believe in god

i dont believe in god, at least mostly, or maybe i believe in something, or nothing. here is what i think i know.

i dont believe in god as a being.

i dont believe in god as a savior.

maybe its the word, god, i dont like. maybe it brings up too much baggage from my upbringing. or too much baggage from interacting with others who claim to be god followers yet treat themselves and others horribly.

i can believe in god as a concept, i think, but mostly as a means to an end.

god is self serving, and so are people who believe in god.

i believe in coping mechanisms, and if god is what you choose as that mechanism, who am i to say you are wrong.  i have my own coping mechanisms. mostly its sexual activity, with either myself or my wife. could it be with others, absolutely, however i committed to my wife at a level of her trust, that i would be faithful to her in her understanding, not mine. (maybe another topic another time on my idea of marriage.)

the space between

i cannot get these words out of my mind. while i hear it in my head the way dave matthews sings it, my reflection on the words is completely different.

while doing yoga this morning, i realized that so much of life is focused on the self created importance of things, whether work, time, or each individual yoga pose. we tell ourselves the most important thing in life is work, making money, buying a house, having great friends, or even within our personal time and space, like yoga, working so hard to get the pose perfect. we spend our time chasing these things from when the alarm goes off to when the sun goes down and then do it again. we fill our spaces with a bunch of non-life giving activities. we miss acknowledging the space between these achievements. yoga is not about the perfection of the pose, but the action of getting into the pose and becoming it. work is a means to an end, that for most is essential, but what about the time away from work? or the time getting to and from work? or what about acknowledging that we can enter into our work, letting our work become the pose, the activity of the work, and not the outcome of our work. we must understand the space between finishing the project, the movement between the pose, the moments between stop signs, the ticks between 1 and 2 minutes on the clock, the movement of shadows between the sun and moon, the space between.

the problem with sustainability

 i recognize this is a major venting. be patient.

Sustainability - Definition

Sustainability is an economic, social, and ecological concept. It is intended to be a means of configuring civilization and human activity so that society and its members are able to meet their needs and express their greatest potential in the present, while preserving biodiversity and natural ecosystems, and planning and acting for the ability to maintain these ideals indefinitely. Sustainability affects every level of organization, from the local neighborhood to the entire globe. It is a sometimes controversial topic. ( http://www.wordiq.com/definition/Sustainability )

This definition isnt the only one, but if you copy and paste the link, you will find some really good reading considering the idea and concept of sustainability. essentially, it is the ability to keep things as they are or better, for all parties and things involved.

why is this my issue? because a business owes me a lot of money, acknowledgement, and promised ownership. i worked for 2 years for a company that has flown the "sustainability" flag since i started working with them. i gave them the opportunity to create certain relationships at their supply level that changed the business opportunity and the direction in which the business was going. i gave them sustainability for the biggest portion of what their business is, and yet they have refused to acknowledge the fact, have refused to pay me the money that they have agreed they owe me, and have refused to give me the ownership that was promised me, while at the same time becoming the darlings of their industry. as i sit here now, im staring at a magazine cover of the owner, and 2 days ago they announced another retail location in another large city, and have started selling their products into a very large retailer, all of which i had a hand in creating the opportunity.

i am also quite bothered on how so many of their employees are being taken advantage of, like me, in not being valued by either personal communication or by pay scale (basically minimum wage) or by working more hours than being paid. recently, several of the employees have been given a lot more responsibility without a pay increase. how can this be sustainable?

how is taking advantage of employees and vendors sustainable?

personal seasons

i figured something out about myself today at yoga. i think in my seasons of life, i go from wanting and enjoying friends and being fed by having others around, to mostly not really liking many people. i think it has something to do with me appreciating helping others, so when friends need me, i feel like our friendship is meaningful (ill have to think on this more as to why?). however when they dont need me anymore, i feel like i dont need them either. am i solely being fed by my ability to help people? why is this my yardstick?

Is Transparency the Highest Good

In our industry, transparency is seemingly being used as justification of "sustainable" purchasing. I wouldnt argue that this is wrong, but it does beg the question, "who does it serve"?

Asa coffee company, its a means of trying to communicate proof that no one is being taken advantage of in the process of sourcing and serving great coffee.

Regardless, if something is self serving, can it ever really be the highest good?

romance

romance is coming home from a day of work, quietly cleaning up dishes still left on the table from breakfast, in the acknowledgement it must have been a hectic day around the house.

romance is an hour of coffee together every morning, listening to your thoughts and dreams.

romance is watching you grow within yourself, and encouraging you to do more, even at the risk that you may not love who i am to you anymore.

romance is listening to you when, in passing, you mention something you want and i buy it when you dont expect it.

romance is me choosing you, everyday, for the rest of my life.