Pleasure Seeker

i believe this world, however and for whomever, was created for the delight of the creatures. we are here to experience joy, beauty, truth, pleasure. however, we have lost our ability to experience these things in all that is around us. we do, from time to time, and when we do, we tend to go back to these activities, even when they have possible unhealthy consequences in the long term. its not that we cannot see the negative outcomes, its that these experiences are weighed in our minds, in an instant, and we choose to engage in whatever it is that has given us these moments.

so, is it possible, if we were all to be completely healthy (emotionally, spiritually, and physically) and all things in the conscious and unconscious were whole, that we are here to seek out pleasure in all its forms, without any negative outcomes?

questioning myself

ive spent most of this morning going through past conversations in my head and old emails, trying to establish whether i believe in myself, or whether my ego is acting independently of my own knowledge.

have i been valuable? have i been honest? have i been respectful? am i truly in the right? am i selfish? am i worthy? am i an asshole?

maybe this is an exercise of becoming more enlightened. questioning the questions i ask myself. for me to be truly aware, dont i continually have to ask myself these questions? if i stop asking, will i be stagnant? will i not find growth? will i start to believe that these questions define me, or that these self doubts have power?

i hope to one day be able to acknowledge: i am valuable. i am honest. i am respectful. i am right. i am unselfish. i am worthy. i am not an asshole.

i dont believe in god

i dont believe in god, at least mostly, or maybe i believe in something, or nothing. here is what i think i know.

i dont believe in god as a being.

i dont believe in god as a savior.

maybe its the word, god, i dont like. maybe it brings up too much baggage from my upbringing. or too much baggage from interacting with others who claim to be god followers yet treat themselves and others horribly.

i can believe in god as a concept, i think, but mostly as a means to an end.

god is self serving, and so are people who believe in god.

i believe in coping mechanisms, and if god is what you choose as that mechanism, who am i to say you are wrong.  i have my own coping mechanisms. mostly its sexual activity, with either myself or my wife. could it be with others, absolutely, however i committed to my wife at a level of her trust, that i would be faithful to her in her understanding, not mine. (maybe another topic another time on my idea of marriage.)